Motivate for Sanity's Sake! (part 1 of so, so many)

I have been thinking a lot about motivation. How do you motivate someone else to do something you want them to do?

So often, when it comes to motivating children, I feel mothers have a choice between two bad options: bribery and threats. Really, think about it. What is your go-to when you need your child to clean their room? Something like this: "If you clean your room first, you can go play with friends." OR "If you don't clean your room, you can't play with friends."? Insert any task and any reward, the formula tends to be the same.

But I don't like it! Neither approach really teaches what I want my son to know about the intrinsic reward of doing and finishing for the sake of doing and finishing.

To further complicate matters, something that works for one child will not work for another. Something that works for a child will not work for a husband. Something that works at home never works on employees at work or students in school. Boy oh boy!

Speaking of students in school - I am one and I recently took a class about organizational behavior where one of the topics was motivation and the professor shared this quote:

"Spending time and energy trying to 'motivate' people is a waste of effort. The real question is not, 'How do we motivate our people?' If you have the right people, they will be self-motivated. The key is to not de-motivate them." Jim Collins. Good to Great. p. 89

AHA! Now you know! Your kids are just the wrong people! Kidding.

In class, we talked about diagnosing motivation problems and a motivational theory. The theory (Vroom's Expectancy Theory - in case you were wondering) says people go through the following process of questions before they do something and problems happen when someone answers no to one of the questions:

Do I think I can do it? Do I think I'll be rewarded? Do I value the reward?

Now that's a theory we moms can sink our teeth into right? Problem: Susie won't clean her room. Does Susie really have the skills to clean her room? Does she know what a clean room means? Is she old enough to do the cleaning without help? Has she gotten negative feedback when she hasn't cleaned her room "correctly" in the past? Susie must feel capable of the task.

What about the reward? Face it. We all need one. Maybe you've gotten to the point where finishing is it's own reward. But it's still a reward. Think of Susie and her room again. What is her reward? And does she value the reward?

Think about your children. You know what rewards work. You do! You may not like them but you know what they are. One child might go to the moon and back for a tootsie roll. My son will do almost anything for 15 minutes of Poptropica (a computer game).

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll write more about motivation and rewards. For now, just think about those questions. If your child doesn't think he has the skills to do what you've asked, how can you fix that? If there is no reward, rethink that. If there is a reward but it means nothing to your child, rethink that.

What works for you? What doesn't? When do you have the hardest time motivating your children and what tasks are the most difficult?

More to come!

New Year's Reso..pbbbt

My husband is big on New Year's Resolutions. He makes 'em and he sticks to 'em. He pulled out his list of last year's resolutions and check! check! check! That made him very enthusiastic about setting this year's resolutions so he got right to work on them and started asking about mine and my son's.

My eight-year-old son loved how excited his dad was so he cranked out a list too. Here's a preview:
Never fight
Never kill
Feed the hamster
Earn money

Any predictions which ones he'll accomplish? I like that "Never kill" one. I'll have to add it to my list.

Resolutions depress me because they imply I'm falling short in some way - which is TRUE - but depressing. I believe in goal setting but sometimes you just need to be okay with the messiness of life and accept your shortcomings so my resolutions this year are three - one of which is "smile everyday." I think I can handle that.

A word about organizing goals. Okay, more than one word. Don't make them without knowing your priorities first. Your goals should align with your priorities. If my first priority is spirituality and all of my goals are about exercising, does that make sense?

My priorities in order of importance:

1. Spirituality
2. Relationships
3. Personal Health and Sanity
4. Professional
5. Home Improvement
   

Your list may be different or in a different order but you can see how my goals should fall into those categories so I'm not forgetting to work on the things that are most important to me. By the way, my other two resolutions fall into the relationship category so I think I'm on track.

How do you organize your goals?

Who is the Boss of You? (Giveaway)

My son is the boss of me. Really. He is 7 and he's completely in charge. It's okay though. It works for us. The little man is the boss of me. The big man is the boss of him. And I am the boss of the big man. See? Works!

But really. Who is the boss of you? Is your clutter the boss of you? (Hint: If you're paying for off-site storage because it's easier than sorting through the stuff, then ya. Clutter's your boss.) Are your kids the boss of you? Is your boss the boss of you?

Your boss is anyone dictating what you do with your time. Now. Don't get me wrong. That's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think it's best to simply know who your boss is and relinquish power. Otherwise, they'll still be your boss and you'll just be resentful.

Besides, diapers must be changed. Kids must be fed. Husbands need love. Work must be done. And you're the gal for the job.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't set up boundaries for your bosses though. Your boss at work shouldn't be telling you what to do at home. Think about your bosses. How do you set boundaries for them?

At the risk of revealing what a dork I am, allow me to use a Star Trek example. (Is it redeeming at all that I have to look up all of the Trek cast members names online? No? Just checking.) The Enterprise would end up in a pickle and Captain Kirk would always ask Scotty how long the repair would take.

Scotty (imagine Scottish accent): "No less than 10 hours Captain."
Captain Kirk: "Make it 8 Scotty."
Scotty (blustering): "Impossible!"
And then he'd do it in 6.

Okay, well, that's how I remember it anyway. Scotty always exceeded expectations because Scotty was a boundary-setting-genius.

I'm not suggesting you lie about how long a certain task will take you but know your limitations and make sure your boss knows them too. Your conversation might go something like this:

Kid/boss: "Moooom. What's for dinner?"
You (with a Scottish accent): "Sweety, I already told you, I'm working on this. Dinner will be at 6. And it will be something you don't like."
Kid/boss: "I'm hungry now!"
You: "Tough."
And then you have dinner ready at 5:30.

Okay, well, you get the idea. You can work out the specifics of your script.

My son is an only child and sometimes he expects all of the attention from all of the people all of the time. When he was younger, I used this to teach him boundaries:

I would write what I was going to do in the blank and he'd put up a picture of what he was going to do during the same time. Sometimes we'd be doing the same thing. Sometimes not. But he started learning there were times he could have my attention and times he'd have to wait. Plus, he was excited to do his own stuff! It was fun for him to set boundaries too.

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